Mine
by parliament of owls
Summary: This is the greatest gift she has ever given you and you're so proud that you didn't screw it up. It gives you just a little hope. She didn't mean goodbye at all.


You sit in silence as she walks from the room, still in shock. Still praying to every god you've ever heard of that this is a nightmare and you'll wake up any second to one of those rare good morning texts from her. You don't understand, yea you were miserable without her, but she was still yours. You don't even have that anymore.

The room grows dark around you, but you can't find the energy to move, afraid that when you leave this room, your breakup will become real. She said it wasn't an official breakup, but from the way your chest is constricting and your heart is shattering and your soul is dying, what else could it be? A few minutes later, or a few hours, you don't really know, you find the strength to walk out the door, leaving the pieces of your shattered heart on the floor and surrounded by memories of the happiness and hope you once felt here. You don't think you'll ever feel it again.

* * *

You don't go to school for the rest of the week, you don't even leave your room. Everything is a memory and you're lost in them, drowning in them. Your parents are worried, they don't ask, but you hear them whisper. They got a call from her parents asking what happened and put the pieces together. Apparently she got home and just left for Louisville without a word. You don't really care, there's no point. This is worse than when she was afraid and pretending to not want you, at least then you knew the truth. This time, you're not so sure.

The only reason you finally go back to school is graduation. You'll be damned if you're stuck here for another year. Maybe if you graduate she'll want you again.

* * *

It takes you another week to set foot in the choir room. Every second is excruciating. But you've always loved Grease and you really want to do this. She loved Grease too and—

No. You will not do this. You cannot do this. If she doesn't want you anymore than fine. You're just going to do the things you love, you're going to dance and sing and have a good time because you need it. You need something to drag you out of this hell you're in.

Except she's back. She's back on the same stage you danced together on. The same stage you held each other on. But you will not back down. It's a wonder you don't break down on stage, but you're getting better at this. The musical isn't too bad and you actually manage to avoid her until she leaves again. You pretend to not see the heartbreak written on her face. The hopelessness in her eyes. She did this, so she can suffer the consequences.

* * *

You spend the months until winter break studying and dancing and not much else. Your heart still hurts and your soul feels broken, but you manage. Your grades are good and the glee kids are actually starting to treat you like an equal instead of a retarded four-year-old. You like this independence and respect you've gained. You feel like you can stand on your own two feet. Your heart starts to heal and you don't wake up in the middle of the night crying anymore. You don't sit on skype for hours waiting for her. You do still ignore the few texts and calls she's sent since that day. You're not ready to face her, not ready to hear that maybe she really doesn't want to be with you again.

You still think about that day though. You replay that conversation over and over again in your head. Maybe she was trying to tell you something. You can usually read her like a book but you were too scared to pay attention, you knew something was going on but you didn't ever expect it to be what it was.

* * *

It doesn't really hit you until a week after the new year. You're at the studio again, trying to work on your audition pieces for all the conservatories and dance programs you want to apply to. You know you missed the deadlines for next year but a little practice and some time off sounds really good to you.

The song ends and the one that picks up is like a kick to the chest. You thought you had deleted it, but when "Mine" plays through the studio you can't help it. You sink to the floor, memories of that day filling your mind. The beauty of her voice, the way she smelled, the tears that ran freely down her face, "this is not an official breakup" and "I will always love you the most" playing over and over.

The realization appears so quickly you're pretty sure some invisible force just slapped you in the face with it. This is what she meant. This is what she wanted. You've come so far, done so well for yourself, and not once did you need to lean on her, not once did you feel guilty about it. You threw yourself into work and dance and life without worrying whether or not you were going to miss a call or a skype date. You grew up, and you did it all on your own. She did this for you.

You feel like an idiot then, not because it's what you've always been told you are, but because you didn't see it before. She was giving you room to grow and find yourself. Find your happiness all on your own. You know now that she still loves you, will always love you the most. This is the greatest gift she has ever given you and you're so proud that you didn't screw it up. It gives you just a little hope. She didn't mean goodbye at all.

You're out of the studio and halfway to your car before you even realize you wanted to leave. She's still home for break and, now that you understand, you really need to talk.

* * *

You really hope you drew the right conclusions, if not you're definitely going to look like a crazy person, banging on her door after months of no contact. You're so lost in thought you don't realize the door is open and almost punch her in the face. Wait, her. She's really here. You knew she was coming home but you still weren't sure you were ever going to see her again.

Your breath hitches as you take her in, she's more beautiful than you remember. You will yourself to speak but no words come out. Your thoughts have disappeared and all you know is that she's standing in front of you.

"Britt?" It comes out so quiet you almost don't hear it.

"Can I come in?"

She just leaves the door open and you follow her into what used to be your second home. She takes you to her room and just stands quietly, refusing to meet your eyes. Everything looks the same as it did the last time you were in here. You aren't sure the you of then would recognize the you of now.

"Thank you"

She snaps her head up to look at you, confusion written across her features. Crap, that definitely wasn't what you wanted your first words to her to be, so you try again.

"How have you been?"

The confusion is still there, but you see some of the tension ease from her posture.

"I've been okay, how have you been?"

This is awkward, you don't know why you're making small talk with her like a stranger, but you figure it's a good place to start after so many months of silence.

"I've been good actually. It took me a while, but I'm good."

She smiles at that, it's a sad smile though. You know she wishes she could have been the one to make it that way, but you also know she's happy for you all the same. You're really hoping you understand the situation like you think you do. You open your mouth to say the words that have been on your mind since your revelation at the studio, but she speaks first.

"That's all I wanted for you. Please don't ha—"

You cut her off before she can start apologizing, you don't want her to apologize for this.

"I get it now. I didn't then, I couldn't understand why you would do what you did, but I do now."

There's a sadness in her features that kills you. You can see that she's grown, just like you have, but she's still hurting. You can see that she hates herself for hurting you. Again. She looks at you like she expects you to just turn and walk away. She doesn't understand that you won't, you can't. You know that she's thinking she doesn't deserve you. It's the stupidest thing she's ever thought but you know she can't seem to let it go. You need to make her see that it isn't true. You are hers and she is yours, and as much as you've grown, you're still incomplete without her. That won't ever change.

"There's something I need to say, and I need you to listen, okay?"

She nods.

"Three months ago, you tore my heart out. It felt like you destroyed me and I didn't understand. I didn't know why you were saying the things you said, I thought you had simply moved on to someone else smarter and more worthy of you and I was getting left behind because you didn't want me anymore. I know now that wasn't the case. We needed to be apart if we ever wanted our relationship to last beyond high school. And I do. God Santana, I do. I can see myself moving to New York or Louisville or LA with you. I see myself marrying you. Having children with you. Growing old with you."

You see the tears in her eyes and as much as you want to sweep her into your arms and kiss them away, you need to say this.

"You were right though. What we had wasn't working. The people we were three months ago wouldn't have made it to the end of the year, much less the end of our lives. Since October, I've actually gone to my classes. I've learned to stand up for myself. I've worked on audition pieces because I know I want to dance after I graduate. I know that I actually have the grades to graduate. And it's an amazing feeling. I did all of these things. And I did them on my own. I've always been confident, but I feel like I really know who I am now."

She's looking at you like you're a new person. You guess you are. You look down and try to gather your thoughts.

"I wouldn't have been able to do any of these things if we had stayed together like we were. I was so used to not having to worry about any of those things because you always worried about them for me. People didn't really understand me, and I didn't even try to make them because I had you to defend me. When you left for college, I was still trying to turn to you like I did before and when I couldn't I got angry that you left. I forgot that you needed to go and just be you as much as I needed to stay and just be me. I guess what I'm trying to say is I see now what you saw then, I've learned and I've grown and I'm so thankful that you allowed me to do that. Even when I didn't know I needed to. I just wanted you to kno—"

You don't know when she got so close to you, but now she's throwing her arms around your neck and holding on like she never wants to let go. You stand in shock for a moment before wrapping your arms around her waist and pulling her as close as you can.

"You are so smart" From the way she mumbles it into your hair, you know she's crying. You pull away to brush the tears from her cheeks before she speaks again.

"I knew what we had wasn't working, but I couldn't think of another way for us to work it out. I didn't want us to end up resenting each other like Finn and Rachel or cheating like Blaine did. I wanted to free you from that but after I saw you at the musical, I wasn't so sure I did the right thing. I hoped every night that it wasn't permanently over, that I hadn't just royally screwed up. Again. Because that life you mentioned? With the moving in together and the wedding and the kids and the growing old. I can see it too, and I can't see it with anyone but you."

"I love you" the words barely make it past the lump in your throat and you realize you're crying too. You thank all those gods you prayed to back in October because it seems like you're both, finally, on the same page again. You know you'll be okay, that things will work out. Because this girl in your arms? She's your world, and you wouldn't have it any other way. You've grown up and grown together instead of apart. Because of that you know you'll make it.

"I love you too"

You feel her arms tighten around you and yea, you can see it now.


End file.
